Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Wrestling My Inner Dumbass

There are 2 sides to most men. There's the side our mother tried to raise to be sweet, sensitive, and respectful of women. Then, there's our inherent manly side, which wants to look at boobies, drink beer, and make our friends smell our farts.

This is a hinderance to many men, save for the ones who are either complete dumbasses or homosexual. Jonas Salk, for example, probably would have discovered the polio vaccine 5 year earlier if his Inner Dumbass wasn't constantly imploring him to stare at his assistant's rack.

Nowhere has the struggle between these two forces been more clear to me than in my trip to the Beth Orton concert last night. While looking like an intelligent, feeling, modern man at a performance by one of the foremost Sad Bastardesses - my internal dialogue was going something like this:

Me: Man, this is a great show...Willy Mason was a great opening act.
Dumbass: Geez, there sure are alot of lesbians here.
Me: What? Of course there are, she's a female singer/songwriter. What do you expect?
Dumbass: Dude, check out these lesbos next to us, they are wasted!
Me: No...I won't, it will be too obvious. Crap! I looked.
Dumbass: They aren't bad looking, huh? I bet they are going to have some drunken woman-sex when they get home.
Me: Shut up! I don't care if they do or don't, I'm here for the show. Now be quiet, Beth Orton's coming on stage.
Dumbass: Holy crap. She's totally not wearing a bra.
Me: (Aloud, to Shelby) Hey, she's not wearing a bra!
Dumbass: Gotcha!
Me: Dammit!!

I hope you can now appreciate the extreme amount of self-control it takes for us to strike this delicate balance.


Jamie said...

Beth Orton, hmm, I think her songs were showcased either on "Felicity" or "Dawson's Creek."

Either way, it does make her a sad bastardess.

Eric said...

I swear, I didn't watch those shows!! Much...

shelby*! said...

ha!!! you have such grace and self-control...i could only tell you were thinking these things 40% of the length of the show.. but i do have to say, that type of inner dialogue, (while more evident with men), is not entirely foreign to women too.

shelby*! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Eric said...

You'll have to fill me in on this interesting phenomenon someday.

I thought women only thought about puppy dogs and holding hands...