Wednesday, August 29, 2007

In The Year Two-Thousaaaaaaaannnddd...Seven. (College Football Edition)

-A tragedy of national proportions will befall the ESPN studios, as Lou Holtz will drown an entire studio tour with his saliva, all while making ridiculously unfounded predictions about a Notre Dame BCS berth. Notre Dame will finish the season at 7-5.
-Nick Saban will spend the latter half of 2007, in his office, curled up in the fetal position. Meanwhile, some Birmingham area boosters begin the search for the next mediocre NFL head coach to take over the flagging Crimson Tide program. Norv Turner is introduced as the new coach in January.
-Butch Davis begins to reconsider his choice of schools when he's asked to address to one of his Tar Heel colleagues only as "Mr. Coach Williams, Sir".
-Across the Research Triangle (which, by the way, woman hate having their hoo-hoos referred to as), Tom O'Brien flies into a panic when he realizes that he's never learned how to coach a home game where every seat is filled. NC State still manages to defeat rivals North Carolina because their head coach has been asked to go get lunch for the UNC basketball team.
-On November 17th, South Florida shocks the nation as they win the Big East by upsetting #1 Louisville in front of a raucous crowd of 47 at Raymond James Stadium. The Orange Bowl planning committee commits mass suicide.
-FSU and Miami, realizing they've been surpassed by USF, will merge their football programs thanks to some lobbying by a well known Hurricane Booster. They are henceforth known as 2 Live U.
-Mark Richt will continue a proud tradition of ignoring the running game when he unveils Georgia's new "No Back" offense. The running backs retaliate by kidnapping all of the Bulldogs quarterbacks and hiding them on the last row at Stegeman Coliseum, where no one ever sits.

-Darren McFadden pulls of the impressive feat of winning The Heisman, and Arkansas Sportscaster of the year when, in a shocking spate of injuries, he is inexplicably forced to do Play-by-Play from the field.
-With ESPN no longer compelled to pump up The Big 10, thanks to the new Big 10 Network, the World Wide Leader will shock America when, during a Tuesday night game, they proclaim Conference USA to be the toughest conference in America.
-On New Year's Day, seismic activity is reported in the unlikely locale of Jacksonville, FL. The epicenter is discovered to be Alltel Stadium, in the exact spot where Maryland's Ralph Friedgen and Kansas' Mark Mangino have just met for their pre-game handshake. Thankfully, no one is injured.
-USC will forfeit its National Title to LSU when it's discovered that John David Booty is actually supposed older brother, Josh, who just can't let go of his failed career.
-Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit will refer to my alma mater as Appalayshun State no less than a dozen times leading up to the Mountaineers season opener at Michigan. This, despite the school's brilliantly subversive marketing campaigns and outspoken activist students.
-Upon winning their 3rd Consecutive I-AA...err...FCS title, Appalachian State is promoted to I-A...err FBS in place of relegated Temple. The Owls will fall all the way to Division III before finally dropping football in 2010.
Enjoy the season everybody!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Fork, meet Braves. Done.

I had hoped that Bobby Cox's "Al Capone in The Untouchables" style offing of Bob Wickman on Friday might light a fire under the Braves heading into a crucial weekend series with the Cardinals. Oh well.

They're now 4 back of the Wild Card (behind the Rockies...the Rockies!!!), and have done nothing but give up ground over the last month. This is not a team capable of fashioning anything longer than a 2 game winning streak - and that only happens when Smoltz and Hudson pitch back-to-back. The rest of the rotation is about as useful as Mike Hampton, circa today.

I'm ever the optimist, though. Hampton will be back in '08, Chuck James will be a year older, as will JoJo Reyes. I expect, though, that Schuerholz will go out and find a legit 3rd starter - maybe by dangling Edgar Renteria and either James or Reyes.
We also can't forget, of course, that a certain...ahem...dead weight will be removed from the Braves batting order, along with his audacious salary. The kind of money that could be used to get a decent starter or closer.

Even more optimistically, I know it's 3 days until college football season, and 10 days until the NFL, really, I was about to stop paying attention to baseball anyway.
Side Note: The picture above was the first one that popped up on a Google Image search of "Braves Lose". I couldn't tell you who those guys are, or what year that is from...but I'll be damned if it doesn't just sum up the second half of the season.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

American Music Now With More Pre-Packaged Goodness!

In case you can't get enough of Fall Out Boy, or set your DVR for reruns of Making The Band:

The makers of American Idol now bring us America's Next Great Rock Band!
Ugh - Good to know that radio Program Directors will now have the ability to think even less critically when picking new songs for their stations. Thank God for Satellite Radio, Sirius-ly.